i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
