if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
