I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
