yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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