Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
