No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize