she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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