i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
