it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
