he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
