3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
