Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
