2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I would ride that face into the sunset
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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