she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
