There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
