i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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