his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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