dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
