Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
