Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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