i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
