Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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