I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
