You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
