I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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