ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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