made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
