Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
