oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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