I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
