Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
