your parents love me but you hate me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
