glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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