On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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