1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
