I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
