pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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