hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
