you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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