i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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