I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
