Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
