Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
