your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
