Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
