If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
