my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
