as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
