I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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