I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
