White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
