I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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