She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
