hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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