When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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