I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
so much tequila, so little girl.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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