update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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