my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
