She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
