My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My liver just broke up with me...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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