His hands were made for my vagina.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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