WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
