is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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