he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize