Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
