THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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