she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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