I haven't been this sober since birth.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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