he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
