I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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