My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
